Our teacher assigned us a paper that I had some difficulty with.  The specifications for this paper were that it had to be a satire. She defined satire organized in seven different bullets on the white board, but I didn’t feel like writing them down. That’s what www.dictionary.com is for.

sat·ire n.
a) A literary work in which human vice or folly is attacked through irony, derision, or wit.
b) The branch of literature constituting such works.

This was my problem. I had to come up with a “human vice!?”  Unsure of what a vice was I went and looked that up too.

vice1 n.
An evil, degrading, or immoral practice or habit.
A serious moral failing.
Wicked or evil conduct or habits; corruption.

Well that got me going, I now knew I had to create a literary work in which a human moral failing or folly is attacked through irony, derision, or wit.  So what’s being asked of me in this assignment?  First I’m asked to be creative. Okay, I can handle that. Next I have to write. Okay, I can handle that too.  Third I have to find a human moral failing or folly?  And then I have to attack it?!  This is where I ran into trouble.

I decided to attempt to solve this problem by looking at the world around me.  I happened to be at work at the time.  I work at the local Youth Center, and so I’m looking around at all these kids, and I can’t see any “human moral failing” of any kind.  Fifth graders were using wonderful English skills carrying on conversations including phrases heard in songs by well respected adults, such as: “You and me baby ain’t nothing but mammals,” and the third graders were singing about milkshakes in a yard. It was plain to see that there was no material for my satire here.

The next morning I went to a hockey game with Robert, my mother’s fiancée, at Mt. Everett.  He was officiating the game between Everett and Drury.  I was still on the look out for my “human vice.”  But again I was disappointed.  All I saw were mature North Adams parents respectfully defending their kids, and cheering them on.  I was impressed with their unobtrusiveness when correcting Bob for his apparent loss of vision. (Actually, we both happened to blackout at the same instant and missed this vital call.) Rather then lose hope, while their team was down by 6 points, the fervent support only grew.  And when the fathers water bottle hit the skate-friendly floor I sympathized with him. If the Everett guy had out skated my son I would be that upset too.  My satire found no help in this arena.

Almost to the point of giving up hope on my English assignment I decided to check around school and with my friends from back home.  I searched through the gossip I heard during the school day, nothing really that could be considered immoral, just the same old Bob slept with Jane and now Judy’s mad because she was dating Bob, nothing special.  I asked my mentor for advise.  Then I got home I called Sam to ask her what she’s doing after high school I asked little Zoe Grace, her 11 month old daughter, if there were any immoral habits at daycare. I even inquired with the athletic director to see if she’d seen anything remotely considered a moral failing.  Not one of these sources provided any sort of satire worthy subjects.

Later that night I had the bright idea of asking a particular friend.  This guy would have a good argument about anything and everything worth while.  But that didn’t work out as well as I would have hoped. He was side tracked on a tangent about legalizing marijuana.  He amazes me sometimes with his ability to completely ignore my questions and go off on totally unrelated subjects.

It took a while, but I finally found my moral failing. It took me so low that I had to engage in an immoral practice myself.  I read a book on Zen and zazen practices called Zen Mind, Beginner‘s Mind.  This stuff is absolutely ridiculous.

Usually when you do something, you want to achieve something, you attach to some result.  From achievement to non-achievement means to be rid of the unnecessary and bad results of effort.  If you do something in the spirit of non-achievement, there is a good quality in it.  So just to do something without any particular effort is enough.  When you make some special effort to achieve something, some excessive quality, some extra element is involved in it.  You should get rid of excessive things.  If your practice is good, with out being aware of it you will become proud of your practice.  That pride is extra.  What you do is good, but something more is added to it.  So you should get rid of that something which is extra.  This point is very, very important, but usually we are not subtle enough to realize it, and we go in the wrong direction…

…When you practice zazen, just practice zazen.

Now come on.  This is the most immoral and idiotic idea I’ve ever seen.  You practice to be perfect. We’ve all heard the saying “Practice makes perfect.”  Of course you should have pride in that. It’s immoral to not have pride in that.  And get rid of excessive things?! More is better!  Look at SUV’s and Super Size’s! (There’s another satire I could write, why in the HECK would Mc Donald’s do away with Super Size’s?!) And this zazen line, what’s with that?  If you’re practicing zazen isn’t that what you’re doing?  It’s not like you check your e-mail while you’re sitting like a pretzel with your hands in upside down ‘OK’ signs.  Not that I do that. Meditation of any kind, in and of itself, is immoral. (Hey! Another satire opportunity!)

Well at least now I have a few options.  I really think I’m going to go with the Mc Donald’s one because reading makes my head hurt.  I really don’t understand people who read for fun. And people call me a crack head?  I think I’m normal.